House Speaker Mike Johnson is doing his best to keep the government lights on with yet another bare-bones spending bill, but let’s face it—the bar’s so low you could trip over it. Johnson introduced this “last-ditch” bill on Sunday, aiming to prevent yet another government shutdown before the funds run dry on September 30. Because, you know, shutting down the government weeks before a major election would be a really bad look.

In a letter to lawmakers, Johnson made it clear that his goal is to avoid a shutdown, but don’t get your hopes up for any grand vision here. He described the plan as a “very narrow, bare-bones continuing resolution.” Translation: We’re keeping the lights on, barely, and only extending the things that are “absolutely necessary.”

This band-aid bill, known as a limited continuing resolution (CR), seems to have bipartisan support—for now, anyway. Even the Democrats are playing nice. House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries and Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer both gave their blessing, praising the negotiations as free from cuts and, more importantly to them, free from “poison pills.” They’re all but guaranteeing a smooth passage before the deadline. But don’t be fooled, this is just kicking the can down the road—again.

Despite the kumbaya moment in Congress, federal agencies are already preparing for a possible shutdown. Nonessential government operations could be impacted this week if something goes wrong, affecting millions of federal employees, military personnel, and essential programs like Head Start and border security. Because, you know, why make anything easy when you can bring the entire country to a screeching halt?

This is just another episode in the long-running saga of Congress failing to do its job on time. The U.S. legislative branch has an unfortunate tradition of passing short-term funding bills to avoid shutdowns. They’ll drag their feet on actual decisions, raise alarms about imminent shutdowns, and then scramble at the last minute to keep the government running. It’s like a bad sitcom that keeps getting renewed for more seasons than anyone asked for.

So, what does this magical bill actually do? Well, it would keep the government funded through December 20, avoiding a pre-election shutdown but setting up yet another budget battle right before Christmas. Because who doesn’t want to watch Congress fight over government spending while everyone’s trying to enjoy the holidays?

The bill throws in an extra $231 million for the Secret Service to beef up protection for the 2024 presidential candidates. That’s a nice little holiday bonus for the agency, especially after a second apparent assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump at his Florida golf club in September. And yes, you read that right—second assassination attempt. The first attempt happened back in July during a rally in Butler, Pennsylvania.

With incidents like these, it’s no wonder the Secret Service is under the microscope. Kimberly Cheatle, the agency’s former director, resigned after testifying before lawmakers about the July attempt. Apparently, the scrutiny is heating up enough to shake up leadership. But the catch? This extra money for the Secret Service won’t be available until the Department of Homeland Security submits a report on that first assassination attempt to a House committee. Sounds like the government’s classic “hurry up and wait” routine.

The funds are earmarked through September 30, 2025, which means Congress can pat itself on the back for at least planning ahead—if you can call it that.

Remember that six-month spending plan Johnson introduced a while back? It had a controversial provision targeting noncitizen voting, a Trump-backed push despite the fact that noncitizen voting in federal elections is already illegal. But don’t worry, that little detail didn’t stop the former president from calling for a government shutdown if this measure didn’t make it into law.

Well, surprise, surprise, the House didn’t pass that version of the bill. And guess what? The noncitizen voting measure was conveniently left out of this latest version. Better luck next time, I guess.

Oh, and let’s not forget about disaster funding. Johnson’s earlier plan included a $10 billion boost for the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) to deal with this year’s endless string of catastrophic events. But don’t get too excited—that money didn’t make it into Sunday’s bill either. Instead, the bill lets FEMA speed up the use of the funds they already have for critical response and recovery activities. It’s like giving someone a bigger spoon to empty out a sinking boat—helpful, but not exactly solving the problem.

So, here we are, stuck in the same old cycle. Congress pulls together a last-minute deal to keep the government from shutting down, everyone breathes a sigh of relief, and then they set up the next showdown just in time to ruin the holidays. Isn’t government efficiency a beautiful thing?